Why aren't you a Trump supporter?

I know the difference between “give me your tired, your poor” and “they’re poisoning our blood”

I have complete contempt for traitorism

authoritarians can get down on the floor and bite my ass, yesterday

How do I build rapport with anybody?

A real man doesn’t grab women by the p***y

Those are a few reasons off the top of my head. How ’bout you?

I can read

What’s the craziest thing you’ve heard pretending to be asleep?

I don’t buy made-up stories of “thousands and thousands of people dancing on rooftops”

I see through liars

EVEN FUCKING MIKE PENCE understands that

Report: Women's sports athletes to file appeal on House vs. NCAA settlement citing Title IX violations - On3.com

I don’t hide in my hotel room while everybody else keeps the appointed time and place because my hair might get wet

I took the same Oath and took it seriously

I don’t believe Nazis, Klan klowns and white supremacists chanting “Jews will not replace us” comprise “very fine people”

Are Americans really as uneducated and ignorant as portrayed in the media?

If someone works for me, I actually pay them

I don’t believe that Saudi Arabia and Russia “will vedoop bedeep uhhhh”

I know what Nikki Haley’s authority with the National Guard is

I am glad you enjoyed my pictures. Do you have any photos to share?

I don’t respect shameless hucksters who try to sell a vitamin where you have to mail in your pee

I’ve never tried to pretend the word would means wouldn’t

I don’t respect a sleazeball who lies about his height just so he can lie about his weight

If women aren't shallow, why do most tall, good-looking men have girlfriends?

I understand geography enough to know that Belgium is not a “beautiful city”, that Paris is not in fucking Germany, that India does share a border with China, that that border is peppered with Bhutan and Nepal, not “Button” and “Nipple”, that time zones exist, that “shithole countries” do not, that “England” and “the UK” are not the same thing, that you cannot build a wall in Colorado to keep out New Mexico, and that the Bronx is not and has never been “a very wonderful place in fucking Germany”

I understand how hurricane paths work

I respect women and don’t respect those who don’t

Why are some people afraid of monsters?

I know that he didn’t run against “Obamna”

I can count

I don’t believe in asking the people of Iowa “how stupid are the people of Iowa”

Why does my crush make me jealous about having a girlfriend?

I understand that you can’t just fucking nuke a hurricane

I understand historical events enough to know there were no airports in the eighteenth century, that Canada didn’t burn the White House half a century before it existed and that World War Two already happened

It’s uncool to set up soft porn pics with your own preteen daughter

Why do Democrats look like snowflakes and Republicans look like Vikings?

I know who the president of Turkey really is

I don’t hold serial bankrupters in high regard

I know the difference between Sioux City and Sioux Falls and even Sioux Center

If I get served by someone else's papers, am I legally required to inform the person that they got served, or the court that they served the wrong person?

I have no sicko desire to control women or have a bizarro hangup with “blood”

I don’t watch or listen to advertising

When a reporter declines to join me in the rooftops fantasy I don’t go on stage and gyrate to mock his congenital disability

What is the American mobile phone number format?

I don’t believe there is a fucking “president of the Virgin Islands”

I don’t call Tim Cook “Tim Apple” and if I do I don’t deny what’s right there on the videotape because I’m too much of a fucking WIMP to handle Reality

It’s uncool to lurk around teenage girls’ dressing rooms

Why is my ex trying to provoke an argument with me?

I don’t cotton to rapists

I know that sounds DO NOT cause cancer.

I have a reading level above third grade

I don’t buy bullshit

I know the difference between “George Bush” and “Jeb Bush”

I actually pay taxes

I don’t pretend not to know who David Dooky is just because he can deliver votes

I have complete contempt for intentional stupidity

I don’t believe the way to respond to a hurricane is to call a press conference to describe it as “wet from the standpoint of water”, to distribute Play Doh, or to stand at a podium throwing rolls of paper towels as if they were bottles of ketchup

I know there’s no such thing as invisible planes

I didn’t get out of military service with fucking “bone spurs” that I paid a doctor to write

I have an acute aversion to scumbags

I don’t run and hide from a debate like a fucking WIMP just becuase some moderator asked pointed questions

I know that if I or anyone I know commits a crime we’ll go to the clink

When I go Greenland shopping and Denmark says no I don’t melt down like a fucking WIMP

I understand that you can’t inject bleach or light

Fuck that piece of orange shit, fuck his idiocracy, fuck his sexism, fuck his racism, fuck his religionism, fuck his divisionism, fuck his lying, fuck his orange face paint, fuck his worship of Cult of Ignorance, fuck his Cult, fuck his jingoistic horseshit, fuck his manuipulations, fuck his toddler-age WIMPism, fuck his fucked-up values of ME ME ME and did I mention ME, and fuck him personally with a giant razor sharp dildo that’s been preheated to 204.7° F and built to the dimensions of the Washington Monument. Slowly.

I respect other cultures and don’t respect those who don’t

I have complete contempt for fraudsters, and even less for repeat ones

I have complete contempt for fakery

I understand that when you lose an election you step the fuck aside and take it like a man rather than invade the Capitol while your loss is being made official just because you’re a fucking snowflake WIMP

Let us count the ways. Captain Obvious says: